here

Sex with

my incredibly sexy

tall and skinny

perfectly textured

blue-eyed hubby

...

will hopefully take place tomorrow night.

But editing that bibliography for the press (which is due on Monday, and I've only got half the notes from the Preface shortened and formated --Chicago-- to the bibliography) is going to take all night. The book has five chapters. I'm going to die from lack of sleep.

On top of the fact that Amara is going to her first birthday party on Saturday. So tomorrow is bath day (plus, we went to the open gym at the gymnastics academy today and she got dirty, but had a blast! $4 for and hour and a half...a rip off worth once a month since it's in walking distance to the house...but I carried Amara on my hip and pushed Bug in the stroller with my right hand --my weaker hand-- all the way home <breaking in the shade when possible> and reaggrevated my back from nearly 1 wk ago when I pulled something trying to rush my overhead stretches.

Fuck me.

I've got so much work to do. And I'll have to go to Hobby Lobby tomorrow night at some point. There's no gaurantee Hubby's not going to work on Saturday and I may get stuck car pooling with Sheila. Not that she's not great it's just that I'd rather have my OWN car and luxury of not having to remove and readjust car seats and wait on someone else to be able to leave or get there faster. Ugh. I hope he's home...but I still have to go to hobby lobby without Amara for that Easel (some 3 in 1 that Chris saw on sale around Christmas time) for another present for her birthday.

We're taking her to the zoo (she's turning two if you're new) and we got her the Fisher Price Little People Learning Zoo toy. She LOVES x 3 little people and hubby got her some of the original movies so I think she'll love it...unfortunately that's over 40 new peices of little tripping hazards to keep some place in order. SIgh.

I should get started on that project. I'm an hour and 18 minutes past my start time (or when I wanted to...) Shouldn't have gone upstairs and played PS2 with hubby...but I do so love to relax with him...and then we started a movie...something with Michael Douglas...overdramatic but i'm interested now. Cannot remember the title right now and no time to type a description, maybe next time when I've finished it...

I should go...

~B

Tags: amara, bday, press project, writer's block
Current Mood: tired

After I realized my total obsession with having a clean kitchen things have been much better. I suppose I've been busier, making sure that my sinks are always clean (meaning that not only are the sinks devoid of dirt/food/filth, but that all of the dishes are clean and put away if dry as well), but I've also been much more at peace.

Next to tackle is the constant overflow of dirty laundry. I stay pretty close to caught up, but I hate playing catch up. I like to be ahead. Problem? We cloth diaper TWO children. One newborn and one toddler (23 days, and 21months). It's an amazing feat, but our oldest is learning to use the potty (thank heavens!) and we have a good routine down for getting all of the diapers poop free, clean, dry, folded, and put away before they're all used up again within two days. Sigh.

I try my hardest to find time to come on here...but then someone wakes up, or another begins to cry, and after everyone eats there's a huge mess to clean before we can "go outside!?" as someone is protesting. Feels like I've got six children, and one arm (since I'm always holding Bug...and don't even mention a sling to me...been there, done away with the thought of choosing that to be my primary method of holding her, my pelvis says HELL NO).

But, all in all things are peachy. Hubby is still the most amazing man in the entire world (and still hasn't been called back to work...which I'm both grateful for and a bit nervous about...i hope we don't lose the house! This month is the first in forever that we have NOT paid our mortgage...*biting nails*). I'm almost done with my busy work (birth announcements, Laurie's gift for being my midwife, etc). Then it's on to the bigger things (figuring out how to get to Baltimore, finding work from home so I don't have to leave my babes or go back to the hospital *pukes* and the like).

Sorry if I haven't noted...I feel so inadequate these days with that because I'm usually only using one hand and it annoys me to type that way, lol.  Miss you all dearly :) Hopefully I'll figure this all out soon, maybe I can get a routine going...find some balance.

Oh! I weighed myself the other day...was surprised to see 130 :) So that's 20lbs lost now in 23 days!!! I'm excited about that, hopefully I can get down to 110 by September, but I'm not going to do anything drastic...yet. For those of you who are wondering, I'm 5'4" and was 120 before getting pregnant with Bug, but I was 105 before getting pregnant with Amara...and I liked that weight SOOO much more. I miss my old clothes!!!

~B

A Midwife Assisted Homebirth

 

Terra Elizabeth

03/30/2009 at 12:52pm

Weighing 8.2lbs (8lbs 3.2 ounces)

And still…we haven’t measured her

 

            I remember waking up to pee- well, I figured it was to pee or insomnia had struck again, which I hoped against because my body was tired. The day before had been filled with anxiety and painful Braxton Hicks contractions. My bottom was sore and filled with pressure at each irregular surge and we all felt that Baby’s arrival was getting near. I felt the first contraction and thought “No, that’s too much. I don’t want to feel that.” Though still half asleep I quickly realized what it was I’d asked to subside. I took a deep breath and told my body, “Yes…Yes, I DO want to feel that. Bring it on. I’ll be strong.”

            True labor was noted to have begun around 3am. Hubby was upstairs; he’d fallen asleep on the futon. He had been restless and anxious and unable to sleep; I figured I’d be laboring alone for a good amount of time, but didn’t think it would hinder me. I woke him with the news and he came downstairs to bed with me. I tried my hardest to fall back to sleep, but the rushes were coming on strong and I was already having to remind myself to stay relaxed through them.

            I gave up on sleeping around 5:30am, I couldn’t stop going to the bathroom, but that was alright because squatting made me rush. I texted my mother and sister, as promised, then called my midwife. I didn’t want her to come just yet, but I felt as though labor would progress quickly so figured to give her the heads up.

My rushes came stronger. I tried everything to integrate them. Standing up, walking, sitting on my birthing ball, moaning in low tones. Nothing seemed to work. I was getting upset and didn’t want to feel such negative energy, but hubby was dead to the world and I didn’t want my midwife’s assistance at that time. So I decided, after clenching Baby’s crib and writhing about through three very strong contractions, it’d be best that I lie in bed next to hubby and at least be able to grab hold of him during a rush. It was also good for me to lie down because the lower back ache that began the day before made standing alone difficult, uncomfortable, and particularly painful (all things I didn’t want associated with my contractions).

Surprisingly enough, lying down eased the integration. I was able to breathe deeply and let go of all tension throughout my body. I knew that I was allowing myself to open and felt stronger, more productive, and positive energy began to flow again. I’d been drinking lots of water and kept urinating. My body’s natural enema had kicked in as well, which I was happy for. Hours passed and around 9am I heard Amara waking over the baby monitor. We’d already decided that our friend Sheila would tend to Amara during the birth, but we wanted her present if she was (and I was) alright with it at the time of delivery. *Amara is 21months old and I had a wonderful natural hospital birth with her. Read her birth story here:  http://tinysecrets19.livejournal.com/9604.html

I roused hubby and he quickly got up to set Amara’s breakfast and play her favorite Elmo DVD in order to make himself available to us both until Sheila arrived. I decided to update my midwife and give her a call, but was surprised to hear her say, “I’m sorry B-, something has come up. It’s urgent. I was actually just on my way out the door. I cannot make it B-. I won’t be able to come.” I sat on the line bewildered and unsure of anything. I asked if she was alright, her children, if she’d be okay. She told me nothing, “I can’t say much more at this point, but it’s urgent and I have to go. I can’t make your birth, B-. I’ll let you go now; you’ll need time to square things away for yourself.” I wished her well, and hung up…stupefied. 6 hours into an intense labor with my second child whom I’m intending to birth at home and my midwife BAILS ON ME! WTF?!

 I couldn’t think for a moment, and as much as I wanted to curse her name I knew that allowing negative energy into my labor and birth process would prove unprogressive. I put her aside in my thoughts, wishing her the best, for I figured that there must be life vs. death involved with her situation in order for her to bail on me while I was laboring. Right?

I focused on my rushes and what I needed to do. I knew that I could and would birth my baby at home no matter what, so I decided we’d just carry on and deliver Baby unassisted. I called Sheila, she is such an amazing friend, and told her of the entire situation. Through pausing for contractions and a short conversation she reminded me that her midwife was visiting from Texas (we live in Illinois) and suggested she bring her by to evaluate our situation and possibly assist. Her name is Laurie, I’d never met her, and of course, this offer contained no promises. I accepted. Anything Laurie could do I was sure to be grateful for.

I filled hubby in on the drama. I am happy, at times like these, that he is calm and relaxed by nature. He took it in well, tended to Amara and helped me integrate my contractions better. Sheila and Laurie were at my house by 10:30am. We all sat down to discuss what was at hand; I told them all how determined I was to birth at home and how the only qualms I had about an unassisted were that we hadn’t researched anything on after birth care, and 7 ½ hours into my labor wasn’t exactly the greatest time to Google.

Laurie, my miracle midwife, agreed to stay on for me. I was elated, relieved, honored, and amazed by her generosity. It was strange though, how it all came together. Not only did she just happen to be visiting, but she’d stayed longer due to a dream she’d had the night before about delivering a baby. She said the dream made her feel as though her time here wasn’t supposed to end yet. Maybe life isn’t as arbitrary as I’d previously determined it to be? Another huge coincidence was that a set of Laurie’s birthing tools were still in town from her last visit. She’d not wanted to carry them in her purse and decided to leave them at the last moment. Things were set and I was back on track for having my homebirth.

Sheila and Laurie decided to leave for the moment; to take Amara to play – as previously planned, pick up Laurie’s birth supplies to add to our own, and give hubby and I time to labor alone. Laurie figured the rushes would pick up as soon as all of my distractions were removed. The birth team was only gone a little while before my rushes began running into one another.

The contractions were getting really difficult to integrate and I had to counsel myself throughout them, “Just go with it, keep breathing, ride it out, try to relax, but don’t feel like a failure if you can’t completely let go, focus on the positive, do whatever you need to with all of the energy, know that you’re doing your best to progress this labor and focus on Baby, keep the rushes coming strong, you’re almost there, and it only gets tougher so don’t complain now,” were some of the things I’d remind myself of during a rush; as they peaked, lingered, intensified, and gradually tapered off to the persistent lower back ache.

I was low on energy, but nauseas as well, so I had hubby prepare me a smoothie; I began throwing up before I ever drank it and didn’t eat anything in the end. Sitting on the toilet still made me rush and as I used it after puking I had the urge to bear down. I nearly jumped off the pot, not wanting to deliver my child into toilet water, and had hubby call the birthing team back over.

They got here quickly and my rushes kept coming strong. Amara was content to play with Sheila in the front room as I labored in the bedroom with hubby and Laurie. I directed hubby through each rush with instructions on how to help me, he was a wonderful birth partner again. I rushed and hugged his neck, I’d have him stand back from me so I could lean toward him and he clenched my hips- which relieved the pressure and back ache a bit. While the rushes peaked I’d massage his back and arms to help release some of the energy. I moaned low and bit him when I felt the urge.

Laurie checked me upon my request; I figured that if I wasn’t past 5cm I’d need some serious mental strengthening before I could successfully complete this natural birth, but I was a 9, so I breathed deep and prepared for the pushing stage. A few hard contractions later and I was aware that I’d reached transition. I got a little nervous of the rushes to come being too heavy to integrate or the pushing stage being too painful, but I buried the internal worries as quickly as they surfaced. I knew it was simply transition talking and that I’d be fine. I thanked my body for the short break between hard contractions and pushing, then rid my apprehension of the intense rushes to come. I told myself again that every contraction brought me closer to my baby and the end of the rushes (little did I know, because I didn’t have them with Amara, but post partum contractions hurt like hell!). I was also excited to know Baby’s sex, for we hadn’t wanted to find out early.

One big rush, and I was proud of myself for not breaking down in tears. I don’t allow myself to cry while in labor, it wastes too much energy. I felt the need, after that rush, to find a birthing position. It wound up being on my bedroom floor, hands and knees, with hubby in front of me so I could lean into him and knead his body when necessary.

Another long and intense contraction left me rocking in hubby’s arms. It felt good to move slowly with him, back and forth, rhythmically, awaiting the next surge. The next rush came faster, stronger, longer, and at the end of it I felt my body bearing down, it did so without my consent and I questioned it at first, thinking “Already?” My water broke and I dismissed my doubt and told myself that I was ready if this was it and opened to every feeling. I felt the urge again, but I was in control this time. I pushed with all of my might, but eased up when I felt the need to let my body expand and relax. I felt the burn, but integrated it quickly. After one full push I felt the head was out and Laurie confirmed it. I knew the work was mostly through and I gave everything I had, remembering to use my abs, and being fairly vocal; I felt Baby’s body emerge through my bones. It was such an amazing feeling!

I couldn’t believe I was really in the moment of Baby’s birth, it was just so amazing and spiritual and although I carried her for nine months and labored naturally I still felt slightly unworthy of her coming out of me. I remained caught up in the awe of birth for a moment (seemed like forever, but couldn’t have been longer than a second or two) until I heard Laurie’s sweet voice saying, “Between your legs.”

I looked down and scooped up my slippery bug…my little…Terra! A girl! I really thought she’d be a boy! But no, a girl, my little Terra Elizabeth, my Terra Bug, my second love child. I cried her welcome and expressed my love; I bonded with her and allowed her the option to nurse. Sheila heard me deliver from the next room and got my permission to bring in Amara. I really wanted Amara to see her little sister. They both came in and Amara admired the curious looking baby, but wasn’t afraid. “Baby kiss?” She asked, and I told her Yes, directing her to a semi-clean spot.

Hubby took pictures and we all marveled at the tiny life we’d assisted in coming earth side. I was eventually helped off of my knees and onto my bed where I pushed out the placenta (which I’m making powder out of today, because I’m already starting to feel a little too depressed) and hubby cut the cord a while later. Baby Terra began nursing and didn’t stop for nearly two hours. Hubby drew us a bath and I soaked while wiping Terra Bug clean. I felt tired, but wonderful. I didn’t tear, and going to the bathroom is already painless. I am more satisfied with this birth than any other accomplishment of my life. I feel unstoppable and strong and honorable. I am complete.

Tags: accomplishments, baby2, family, homebirth, laurie, life altering events, midwife assisted homebirth, terra
Current Mood: content

So...I was decided upon asking the folks at Emerson for a deferment until Fall 2010, cannot hurt too bad to ask I suppose, since they like me enough to have accepted me this year.

Well, I was drafting my letter and I couldn't remember the program director's name. I did, however, remember an email I received about one week ago telling me that I'd been accepted and signed by the director at the bottom. I went to my email and opened the saved message. I scanned it, copied and pasted the name, then thought...wait...what was that?

I opened my email again...read the email over and over...then it finally clicked.

OMFG it was from University of Baltimore!!!! NOT EMERSON!!!

WTF!?!? Lol...so...let me explain. I DID get in to Emerson, got the package in the mail, yadda x 3. My placeholder fee is due by April 15th and I've got all the info that I need to be a part of that school (which is my top choice school, but I like the program second best to the one at UBalt). I Have NOT received the mailing and acceptance letter from University of Baltimore yet, but the email states:

 Dear B,

We're happy to tell you that you're in. We know how hard it is to wait, so we wanted to let you know right away.
We'd love to have you join us in the fall. Official letters and instructions will follow by mail.

Congratulations!

Kendra Kopelke (director)
Jane Delury, Steve Matanle, Valzhyna Mort and Marion Winik

MFA in Creative Writing & Publishing Arts
University of Baltimore
 

So I'm emailing both schools tomorrow with requests for deferments until Fall 2010, and although Emerson doesn't accept deferments for my program I'm hoping that they're willing to make an exception? I dunno...hopefully I find out either way before April 15th so I don't screw myself. But yeah, I got in! Both to Emerson, and to UBalt now...last to hear from will be NYU, but I've got enough to worry about with just these two schools, so I wont even think about New York right now :)

I'm so fucking happy! Such a huge weight has been lifted :) This may all fucking work out afterall.

 

Oh yeah! And I lost my mucus plug tonight :) Maybe by the time I write my next entry baby will be here! Wish me luck and happy homebirthing!!!                                       

~B
 

 

Tags: baby2, grad school
Current Mood: anxious

Still preggo :)

Saturday, March 28, 2009

 

Tags: baby2, grad school, prego, x
Current Mood: tired

So there's putting the front shocks on now. If all goes well and the back doesn't need doing (they don't think the back needs done for quite awhile at this point) then hubby should be able to come home tomorrow.

I am anxious for him to get here. My body is REALLY tired from everything that I've been doing and this nasty cold I caught from Amara is the WORST. I'm attributing most of her insanity and temper tantrums to the misery of her illness as of late. I know that she's overwhelmed from tons of different sources/factors, but things are getting better (everything besides the colds, meh).

 

I suppose that since I'm due with Baby2 in less than 18days I should probably think of names...soon? I have no idea really yet. I've been so busy! I'm sure that something will come to me. But it's also hit me that OMG, I'm going to have a homebirth and push a kid from my vagina in less than three weeks! I know you're probably thinking...so what? It's Baby #2 and I went all natural with Amara as well...but that was the most trying thing I've ever done in my LIFE...and now I have to do it again. WOW. Feels like I can still remember being IN labor with Amara, and the pushing, and the pain of healing...of course, the immediate love and feeling of being immeasureably accomplished...but it's the labor/delivery part that has be freaking out. I know that I can do this. I know that I WILL do this, and I will not complain or make a scene or cry or scream. I know that I will be just as tough, if not even more tough (because Amara will be watching) as last time. But I also know it's going to take every ounce of me that I've got...and that's a f*cking lot. I've gotta start mentally preparing.

 

But yeah...most things around here are good. I'm keeping up with the cleaning (but killing myself to do so) and keeping my fingers crossed everyday that I get an acceptance letter to UBalt (Yes, I already got into Emerson, my top choice in Boston, but UBalt was a close second and they allow you to defer one year...meaning that I could get in, and tell them I accept, but that I'm going to come Fall 2010, which would be PERFECT for so many reasons...I wont get into it now, because I'm trying to get some knitting done while I'm still awake...or while Amara is still asleep, lol).

Positive MFA program acceptance vibes my way and labor goddess vibes as well :)

~B

Tags: grad school, life altering events, sick, x
Current Mood: content

So...I could write under this entry title for hours, but I'm going to just put the facts down because I'm hungry and tired and hubby should be calling shortly so that we can chat for the first time in...awhile.

My mother and I have....issues in our relationship, but it'd take like five entries to explain that, so just know that much...okay?

Last time I was to have Amara she planned to be at the birth, but I really didn't want her to be there because she stresses me out. She lives about three hours away anywho and I'd planned to call her at some point, but things went quickly once I was okay with her knowing I was in labor and we never got the chance to call before Amara was born (yes...I labored for like 19hours, but...I still didn't find the time to call her, whatever...I didn't want to ruin/spoil/divert my energy). I needed to do things my way. I needed my labor/birth to progress smoothly without her negative vibes. And it did, the birth went wonderfully, and I am 100% satisfied with everything that occured (besides hubby deleting all of the pics the next day by accident...grrrr).

Anywho, I had decided, upon getting pregnant this time, that I would allow her to attend the homebirth. I figured it'd mean a lot to her and that's the way I told her i was pregnant, by sending handmade homebirth invitations. She loved the gesture and accepted the offer graciously. But now...less than four weeks before I am to give birth, she has backed out!

MY MOTHER BACKED OUT OF ATTENDING MY HOMEBIRTH!!!! WTF

I cannot say that I'm too upset about it. I was actually starting to feel a little anxiety over her attendance. I didn't want to disappoint her, but I didn't want her to come only to be kicked out because she was messing up my energy or something like that, ya know? Well...saves me any worrying anymore. She's not coming.

She had an anxiety attack today (she has them quite frequently...she's a total hypochondraic---and i have no clue how to spell that) that nearly sent her to the ER, and she's following her Dr.'s orders to not do anything stressful for awhile. She considers my marriage and family issues to be stressful and labor/delivery the same, so she's not coming.

I could say lots of things about this...but...i'll just leave it at that. What the fuck. I hope Hubby's mom shows up. I've got a friend that will most def. be there, caring for Amara mainly, and another coming for my sake, for whatever I need, but they are only going to be present for the labor and birth, not the two weeks of help that I'm surely going to need. Sigh. Guess I'll have to figure it out...my mother probably wouldn't have done shit but wanted to hold the baby anyway, lol.

ON ANOTHER NOTE: Amara is kinda sick. Not bad, just a slight cold and possibly a fever, but I refrained from checking her temp today. She was awfully fussy in the morning and I debated on whether or not to take her shopping (we needed groceries and a friend--the same one who will attend the homebirth to tend to Amara---was coming to scoop us up so that we could have a ride), but it had been planned for like, a week and I didn't want to reschedule and thought that maybe the change in environment would do her some good.

It soooo did! She had a blast while shopping and then we went to the woman's house for dinner (her daughter is2months younger than Amara and the girls have been playmates since they were 4 and 6months old, lol) where she ate and played with several other children (they're sufi's, and in the community they have family dinners, where like, one family cooks one night, then another on another night, etc, so that they don't have to cook all of the time). It was nice to see Amara get to interact with all the children and for me to not have to cook or clean and to just...be around loving people. I felt...connected, and not so alone. I hate feeling lonely.

Well, she passed out on the way home and only woke briefly for her diaper change and such. She has been asleep since 7pm, so I'm assuming she's out for the night (which means I should be in bed soon or I'm going to regret it in the morning *smiles*). At least tomorrow will be an easy day...laundry for baby and more nursery organization...but other than that, the whole house is clean, the shopping is done, and all we need to do is sit, enjoy, relax, and have fun :)

~B

Tags: homebirth, mother
Current Mood: sleepy

was guna post a long one...but too sleepy.

Home from our trip to my mothers...exhausted now.

We bought a car...a Lincoln Continental...it needs some work though...but we have a car now...I suppose...hubby has it up north at the moment.

I think I'm going to ask him to come back home...soon.

There is too much to think about (hubby, grad school, money, the new baby---I'm 36wks now...OMG).

I just want to relax this week. Knit...read...watch movies...eat.

My "vacation" was anything BUT. I am more tired than I was after the endless cleaning. Now I REALLY need a break.

Hopefully I can sleep easy.

~B

Current Mood: tired

Tags: grad school, life altering events
Current Mood: ecstatic